2002-12-21 : 8:58 p.m.
If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

Current Song:
Current Rant:
Current Obsession:

I can't help but hate it. I just hate it. That sinking feeling of reality that sneaks up on you when you're looking away and then it bites you in the back. I just hate it. If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

I went in thinking I wouldn't get a part. At leasts that's what I told myself. And I didn't. But while I thought I wouldn't get a part, I knew I would. I was sure that I was good enough to at the least be a tree. I thought I could be a prop. I just tried to tell myself I wouldn't to help prevent disappointment. You know, as much as I sucked, I still hoped to see my name on that list, in the back of my heart I hoped to see it right my little red ridinghood or even any other main part. It was a punch in the stomach not to have my name up there anywhere. I'm not a tree, I'm not a tree stump, I'm NOTHING. See that's what hurts the most. I went, I tried the best I could THAT day and in the end, my best that day just wasn't enough. 40 some other people's best was just better than mine. Yeah I can do pit but I just feel like that is a last resort that showed I failed. If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

My mom was nice about and she felt for me and such, but it still hurts. I know I'm not the only one and that makes me feel a little better. Susan and Kirsten didn't get anything either and I know Susan feels the same way as I do. I just thought I would be at least a tree. I wish I lost that bit of hope and just KNEW I'd be nothing. I thought I'd be something and I'm not. That's what hurts. The disappointment. Disappointment is such pain. It's killing me. If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

Am I such a bad person because I'm happy that Susan and Kirsten for that matter didn't get parts? I hate being jealous of friends and having them in the same boat really helps. It's so mean of me, but I think I'd be more angry if they did have roles. That's horrible of me, but it's the god honest truth. I feel that way towards Pegah right now and damn, she doesn't deserve that. I'm glad I don't have to talk to her until after break. I know if there was a bigger cast, or rather a chorus, I'd probably be in, but it doesn't make it any easier, does it? If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

I did some christmas shopping today and while I was out I didn't think once about the play. I didn't think much last night either, but I can't stop now. I got mom a huge Santa teapot, AH some holiday candles since I'm broke, and Seth a borders' gift card. He better give me something because I couldn't afford to get him the gift but I did. I also bought the new Matchbox Twenty CD and it's pretty awesome. Man. It won't leave my head. The thoughts are killing me. If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

Good note of the day, my 'mispelled' flyer won! Hollywood Futurity over Kafwain! He's awesome and should make it to the derby if his owner doesn't kill him first. Go Toccet. If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?


--The Juliana Theory--

watch your mouth hold your toungue boy because you're running out of breath running out of time before every careless word that you utter renders you utterly useless now you're drowning in your own saliva trying to speak yourself to the top of your hardcore world well keep on talking just keep on rambling you've got your mouth full now listen here's the pleasant part you and i we fell apart why don't you make up your mind shut your mouth burn your bridges throw your words like an attack stab me in the wait a second what's that i just heard nevermind it's obviously useless now you're standing on your soapbox yelling from the rooftops everything you say is a lie now listen here's the clever one who speaks before his thoughts are done why can't you make up your mind watch your mouth hold your tongue some things are better left unsaid now i hope you're pleased you let your pride stand tall it danced within your words right before your fall why don't you say that to my face if i told you this was killing me would you stop?

If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?

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