2004-02-07 : 9:41 p.m.
"I hope you care when I'm gone" -- "Weeklong Embrace" by the Juliana Theory

Current Song: "If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?"
Current Rant: pain and more pain
Current Obsession: me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me

Just a note, this sounds far more negative (and almost suicidal) then I ever meant. I am ok, I just needed to vent. I'm ok, but bitter. ((hugs)) Sorry for any concerns.

I just happened to delete the entire entry I was writing. Not happy with myself. Well, let me begin again.

I'm far too stubborn for my own good. It's strange as I don't think people really know and understand that. But I am, I am stubborn.

My mom is mad at me again, like usual. Why? I don't feel like going into the details, but let's just say that I'm either stubborn or I am a martyr. I cannot win either way. If she would just ask me to do crap, I would, but no, instead she yells at Glenn and I do to something, he says well I'm doing this, you do that. Yet, he doesn't finish his part while I finish mine. I decided not to do his crap for him and now I am the one who's getting screamed at. What the fuck? It makes no sense. Yet, if I resign and do the stuff, I am a martyr. I don't get it, I really don't get it. While this is just one incident, the list could go on and on and on.

Funny Cide came in a distant third to Medaglia D'Oro in the Donn today. He looked good and then he didn't. Medaglia did look amazing though. I'm not ready to give up on him yet though. He won his last race easily without much challenge so maybe he really just needed this race. He was doing well one minute and then faded like hell. Just tired. I'm really and truly hoping that he just needed this race.

On a side note, I just go the results of the Strub Stakes out of Santa Anita and honestly the results are disturbing. Here they are:

Toccet (# 2, 6/1) ran at Santa Anita Park on Saturday, February 7th, 2004 in Race 9 (Strub S.).

Your Notes: The 'Mispelled' Flyer

9th Race - Santa Anita Park - Saturday, February 7th, 2004

Conditions: 1 1/8M Dirt. Strub S. (Grade 2). FOR FOUR-YEAR-OLDS. By subscription of $300 each to accompany the nomination. All horses shall pay $1,000 to pass the entry box and $2,000 additional to start, with $300,000 guaranteed, of which $180,000 guaranteed to the winner, $60,000 to second, $36,000 to third, $18,000 to fourth and $6,000 to fifth; Weight: 123 lbs. Non-winners of $200,000 twice or $300,000 once at one mile or over since May 1, 2003 allowed 2 lbs.; of such a race of $200,000 since then or $100,000 any distance since December 25, 2003, 4 lbs.; of $100,000 at one mile or over in 2003-2004 or $60,000 any distance since July 1, 2003, 6 lbs. A trophy will be presented to the owner of the winner. Nominations Closed Thursday, January 29th, 2004 with 19.es. A trophy will be presented to the owner of the winner.

Value of Race: $300,000 1st $180,000 2nd $60,000 3rd $36,000 4th $18,000 5th $6,000 Mutuel Pool: $875,135

# Horse A/S M/E Wgt PP St 1/4 1/2 3/4 Str Fin Jockey Odds

7 Domestic Dispute 4 C BL 117 7 9 4hd 5hd 61/2 71/2 1nk Desormeaux Kent J. 14.30

11 During 4 C BL b 121 11 7 51/2 41 41 52 23/4 Flores David Romero 5.50

6 Buckland Manor 4 C BL 117 6 2 11/2 21/2 21 11 1/2 31/2 Nakatani Corey S. 5.20

10 Midas Eyes 4 C BL 119 10 10 71/2 71 71/2 6hd 41/2 Solis Alex O. *2.80

5 Formal Attire 4 C BL b 117 5 4 81 81 82 1/2 91 1/2 51/2 Smith Mike E. 25.10

9 Eye of the Tiger 4 C BL 117 9 8 61 3hd 3hd 21/2 61 Espinoza Victor 12.30

1 Saint Buddy 4 C BL b 117 1 1 31 6hd 5hd 3hd 71 1/2 Baze Tyler 30.40

2 Toccet 4 C BL b 117 2 5 91 1/2 103 1/2 9hd 101 8no Albarado Robby 6.70

3 Mud Shark 4 C BL b 117 3 11 11 11 11 11 9hd Santiago Javier 41.30

4 Buddy Gil 4 G BL 119 4 3 102 1/2 91/2 103 81 1/2 10hd Stevens Gary L. 3.50

8 Anziyan Royalty 4 C BL b 117 8 6 2 1 1 4 11 Valdivia, Jr. Jose 35.90

Off Time: 4:19 Start: 11 went. Good for all. Track: Fast Weather: D-Fast 70o

Fractions: :221, :454, 1:101, 1:354, 1:49 :221, :454, 1:101, 1:354, 1:49 (:22.35, :45.83, 1:10.35, 1:35.87, 1:49.08)

# Horse Win Place Show

7 Domestic Dispute 30.60 10.40 5.40

11 During 6.40 4.20

6 Buckland Manor 4.60

Pedigree: 7 - Domestic Dispute, Chestnut Chestnut, 4, by Unbridled's Song - Majestical Moment by Magesterial

Wager Type Payoff Winning Numbers Pool

$1 Pick 3 $1,437.10 7-11-7 (3 Correct) $104,430

$2 Daily Double $284.40 11-7 $62,748

$1 Exacta $95.50 7-11 $480,422

$2 Quinella $81.00 7-11 $39,524

$1 Superfecta $3,717.50 7-11-6-10 $167,665

$1 Trifecta $972.80 7-11-6 $454,635

Race Summary

DOMESTIC DISPUTE stalked between horses, waited behind rivals leaving the second turn and into the stretch, was blocked off heels in midstretch, came out and rallied under urging to get up late. DURING close up stalking the pace four wide to the stretch, rallied to a slim advantage in deep stretch and just failed to hold off the winner. BUCKLAND MANOR had good early speed between foes then angled in and dueled inside, inched away in the stretch, fought back gamely along the rail and held third. MIDAS EYES chased five wide then four wide on the backstretch, continued five wide on the second turn and into the stretch and finished with interest. FORMAL ATTIRE pulled early and was in a bit tight into the first turn, chased off the rail then between horses into and on the second turn, came out five wide into the stretch and could not summon the necessary late kick. EYE OF THE TIGER stalked three deep between horses, loomed a threat into the stretch but was outfinished. SAINT BUDDY tracked the leaders along the inside, awaited room into the stretch, was blocked along the rail and steadied in midstretch and again in deep stretch and could not recover. TOCCET in a bit tight into the first turn, saved ground chasing the pace, continued inside and lacked the needed rally. MUD SHARK unhurried a bit off the rail early, came out in the stretch and was not a threat. BUDDY GIL pulled early and steadied hard off heels into the first turn, chased outside a rival then between foes, continued outside a rival on the second turn, found the inside in the stretch and could not summon the necessary response. ANZIYAN ROYALTY had good early speed three deep then dueled outside a rival, battled between foes leaving the second turn and weakened in the stretch.

Owners: 7 - Bienstock, Dave and Winner, Charles; 11 - James McIngvale; 6 - McCaffery, Trudy and Toffan, John A.; 10 - Edmund A. Gann; 5 - Flying Zee Stable; 9 - John D. Gunther; 1 - Stan E. Fulton; 2 - Daniel M. Borislow; 3 - Jacobs and Pegram; 4 - Billingsley Creek Ranch, Desperado Stables, Inc. and Merrill Stables, et al; 8 - Nick Cafarchia

Trainers: 7 - Patrick Gallagher; 11 - Bob Baffert; 6 - J. Paco Gonzalez; 10 - Robert J. Frankel; 5 - Philip M. Serpe; 9 - Jerry Hollendorfer; 1 - Rafael Becerra; 2 - John F. Scanlan; 3 - Bob Baffert; 4 - Jeff Mullins; 8 - Craig Dollase

Breeders: 7 - Gary Garber (KY); 11 - Gulf States Racing Stables II (KY); 6 - John Toffan & Trudy McCaffery (KY); 10 - Jacks or Better Farm Inc. (FL); 5 - Brereton C. Jones (KY); 9 - John D. Gunther (KY); 1 - Arthur I. Appleton (FL); 2 - Dan Borislow (KY); 3 - Sally J. Andersen (FL); 4 - Billingsley Creek Ranch (KY); 8 - Nick Cafarchia (CA);

Poor Toccet did horribly which isn't surprising, but Domestic Dispute? WTF? I wrote him off to never win again and bam! he wins a grade 2. That makes no sense. The chart is just freaky. He came from no where, Buckland Manor faded down to third (yay trudy!) and then Buddy Gill and Eye of the Tiger did horribly as well. Ugh. It just is so strange. Yay for During though and his second. As much as I try not to support Baffert horses, I like the little guy.

My life is so screwed up right now it isn't even funny. I don't have a clue what the hell to do about it either. Last month started out horribly and led to far too many tears, but then I got through the rest of the month and assumed I was fine. Except, it's all catching up to me now. I have no fucking clue what the hell to do.

There are so many people that I am eternally grateful for that I see on a regular basis. Some are friends while some are just acquaintances, yet I am so god damn grateful for them.

Then the greatest friends who I don't see nearly often enough. I love you guys and wish I saw more of you. Of course little things like certain nameless individuals being in distant parts of the country may have something to do about that... ;) Thanks for putting up with me when I can't deal with life. I do appreciate it.

But my problem comes with the people who I truly thought were my friends and it turns out I guess never were. I cherished these friendships too and bam! they are gone. I tried to do something about one just to find out that I am a horrible person; I am egocentric, judgemental, narrow-minded, and just an all around rotten individual who can't listen to save her life because she is too damn self-consumed.

Ok, maybe I am egocentric, at least in here, but hell, can't we all be egocentric sometimes? This is my journal so am I not suppost to write about things concerning ::faints:: me? I don't get it. The judgemental part I don't know how to address and the same goes for the narrow-minded part. As for the fact that I'm just horrible and can't listen to save my life, I can't say I disagree that I am one of the worst things to ever step on Earth. Hell, I certainly don't think much of myself and hearing that makes me think even less. But I did think that for the most part I could be a good listener. Yes sometimes I don't and there are specific incidents that I know were probably referred to when this comment was implied, but good god. Yeah, I don't always listen, but if I'm stressed, I get worked up in my egocentric self-centered mind and... ugh.

So I lost my thoughts, but all I can say is dispite this, I miss friendships that are currently dead. I tried to ignore it and it actually worked for the good part of a month, but fuck, it's killing me and I can't let go of it. What the hell am I suppost to do?

I really hate this. I almost wish that I could just erase everything and just not have to deal with this crap. I hate it. I fucking hate it!

You want to know the worst part? I feel like I'm losing other friends because of all this. Yes, they claim not, but there is distance that exists and I feel like I've been divided away from everything. I hope you're happy. I know that after this, nothing will ever be the same with some of my greatest friends. I don't know how to handle that either.

Well, I've managed to convince myself that I don't have a single friend in this god damn world.

But what can I say, it's all about ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME.

I hate my life. I hate myself. Yet the funny thing is I can't even bring myself to hate the people who have brought on some of this pain.

More than anything all that I want to here is someone I believe to tell me that I am not horrible, but I can't think of anyone who I'd even believe.

"Old friend, i hear you. i know just how you feel. i've been in your shoes before, i've seen your worries, and i can understand everything you're going through. and i believe in you. your time is coming. don't give up tonight.

there's a life ahead. your time is coming. don't let go tonight, my friend, i've listened. things only can improve. you have all the time in the world. so keep on fighting, and never let them say there's anything that you can't do. i watched as you sat with a cigarette in your hand, holding a drink in the other, trying to drown all your pain... don't let go tonight old friend, you'll realize, good things are worth the wait. enjoy the times that you have. you'll see a new day, when darkness fades again, and the sun can rise to shine." -- "The Piano Song" by The Juliana Theory

I do know that tomorrow is another day and for that I'm grateful.

However as The Juliana Theory said best, "If I told you this was killing me, would you stop?"

Just because it wouldn't be right without the song, here you go:

Watch you mouth. Hold your tongue boy.

Because you're running out of breath,

running out of time before every careless word that you utter,

renders you utterly useless.

Now you're drowning in your own saliva

Trying to spit yourself to the top of your empty world

Keep on talking, just keep on rambling, You've got your mouth full.

Listen here's the pleasant part:

you and I, we fell apart

Listen here's the pleasant part:

you and I, we fell apart

Why can't you make up your mind? (Make up your mind)

Why can't you make up your mind? (Make up your mind)

Shut your mouth, burn your bridges

Throw your words like an attack and stab me in the-

Wait a second. Wait a second. What's that I just heard?

Never mind it's obviously worthless.

Now you're standing on your soapbox, yelling from the rooftops (rooftops)

Everything you say is a lie..a lie..a lie..lie....lie...yeah

Listen, here's the clever one

who speaks before his thoughts are done.

Listen, here's the clever one

who speaks before his thoughts are done.

Why can't you make up your mind?

Why can't you make up your mind?

Watch your mouth. Hold your tongue

Somethings are better left unsaid.

Now I hope you're pleased.

You let your pride stand tall

It danced within your words.

Right before your fall.

Right before you.......fall..

Why don't you

Why dont you say that to my face?

I've had ripped down, torn down so many things

Every thing you, every time you,

Every word you say

If I told you this was killing me, would you,

Would you stop?

Still, there is always tomorrow.

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