2004-01-29 : 11:18 p.m.
"I feel just like I'm sinking, and I claw for solid ground. I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I could feel so low. and, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go."


Current Song:
Current Rant:
Current Obsession:

The winter here's cold and bitter,

it's chilled us to the bone.

We haven't seen the sun for weeks,

too long, too far from home.

I feel just like I'm sinking,

and I claw for solid ground.

I'm pulled down by the undertow,

I never thought I could feel so low,

and, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength and all of the courage

come and lift me from this place.

I know I can love you much better than this:

Full of grace, Full of grace, my love.

It's better this way,

I said,

Haven't seen this place before.

Where everything we say and do,

hurts us all the more.

It's just that we stayed too long

in the same old sickly scheme,

and I'm pulled down by the undertow,

I never thought I could feel so low,

and, oh, darkness, I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength and all of the courage

come and lift me from this place

I know I can love you much better than this:

Full of grace, full of grace.

I know I can love you much better than this.

It's better this way.

I am becoming addicted to Dland again. I'm just writing in here far too much. Well, it's not as much as before (ie this summer with the whole Lisa saga...), but it's still a whole lot. I'm also listening to far too much music. Just putting like 150 songs on a playlist, hitting random, and having it play all day (just muted when I'm not at the computer). It's kinda strange. Despite the depressing song at the beginning (depressing, but so beautiful), I'm actually doing somewhat ok! I mean, January has been a crappy month that I'd just like to forget ever existed, but right now is a little better. Of course, that's not to say that it couldn't be a whole hell of a lot better, but I'll take what I can get? Can you tell I've been talking to Eunice far too much? Her "you can't always get what you want/ wish for" comments are starting to join my vocabulary. Wow.

I went to Ryerss today and caught the tail end (well, it turned out to be the last half hour, ha!) of Jo and Lisa's conversation with Gene about the crap the are dealing with from the administration. You know, I love how they are perfectly ok with me knowing all about that crap. I'm not sure if I was suppost to stay in, but no one mentioned anything (well, Gene sorta looked at me before Jo said I'm ok to hear) so I stayed. All I can say is the crap that they've got to deal with right now is insane. Tim is a complete ass. Well, he is.

Basically, here's the story. I've been hearing from them for awhile that things aren't always great with Tim. It's either that they're getting grilled for not doing one thing or another when they sure as hell don't have enough time to get all that stuff done as well as the rest of the stuff they have to do daily. The little stuff is what is pushed aside, as it should be. Anyway, they are treated like shit all the time. Get payed very little, work holidays, don't get payed for sick days, no vacations, crap like that. Well, on Monday, for some reason, Tim had it in for them, started screaming at them or something (after all this, I'm not sure I even remember why) and that was the start of this newest bit. I think they asked if they could get the guys down to help them bring in (60+ horses in one barn brought in but 2 people isn't easy. I've done it with Lisa and... don't even go there) and Tim makes some comment about "that's why there are two of you" (indicating that they shouldn't need the guys to do their job...) and if they feel differently then "maybe they should part ways." Somewhere in what became Tim screaming at them, you have him telling Jo that she's the boss down there and that if she has problems she should come to him or something and partly out of frustration you have Jo starting to cry (teary-ness) and telling Tim: "how can I talk to you when I'm scared of you?" Anyway, somewhere else along the way you have Lisa telling Tim that he's mean (that sounds so stupid right now, but just deal with it)... Between that all and other crap over the past couple days, I don't think Ryerss is a very happy place. That said we're all wondering if making Jo cry and being told by Lisa that he's mean will cause a few changes in Tim. haha.

That said, I also learned some sorta interesting crap today. Other than the fact that I feel like a Main Liner out in Hickville (though I don't feel Main Line like on the Main Line...) but I'm not going there. Anyway, we were talking about Tim and having fear towards some men and Jo mentioned that at the early part of her relationship with Shane, the two of them got in some huge fights and there was a time she feared that he was going to hit her. She told him that she was scared of him being violent and it probably freaked him out. She knows now that there is no way that he could ever raise a hand to any women ("he loves women too much. he wishes he had a daughter, though he'd probably lock her in the basement so no man could ever find her... ha!), but... I lost my train of thought, but it was interesting.

Just for the sake of it, more lyrics.

The most pain, hurt, and anger-filled song from Rent:

Goodbye Love

Mimi

It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car

Roger

It's true - I'm leaving now for Santa Fe

It's true you're with this yuppie scum?

Benny

You said you'd never speak to him again

Mimi

Now now

Maureen

Who said that you have any say

In who she says things to at all?

Roger

Yeah!

Joanne

Who said that you should

Stick your nose in other people's ...

Maureen

Who said I was talking to you?

Joanne

We used to have this fight each night

She'd never admit I existed Mark

Calm down

Everyone please

Mimi

He was the same way - he was always

"Run away - hit the road

Don't commit" - you're full of shit

Joanne

She's in denial

Mimi

He's in denial

Joanne

Didn't give an inch

When I gave a mile

Mark

Come on

Mimi

I gave a mile

Roger

Gave a mile to who?

Mark & Benny

Come on guys chill!

Mimi & Joanne

I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had

Someone to live for - unafraid to say I love you

Roger

All your words are nice Mimi

But love's not a three way street

You'll never share real love

Until you love yourself - I should know

Collins

You all said you'd be cool today

So please - for my sake...

I can't believe he's gone

I can't believe you're going (to Roger)

I can't believe this family must die

Angel helped us believe in love

I can't believe you disagree

All

I can't believe this is goodbye

Mark

I hear there are great restaurants out west

Roger

Some of the best. How could she?

Mark

How could you let her go?

Roger

You just don't know ... How could we lose Angel?

Mark

Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain

At least now if you try - Angel's death won't be in vain

Roger

His death is in vain

Mark

Are you insane?

There so much to care about

There's me - there's Mimi

Roger

Mimi's got her baggage too

Mark

So do you

Roger

Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do

Mark

A friend

Roger

But who, Mark, are you?

"Mark has got his work"

They say "Mark lives for his work"

And "Mark's in love with his work"

Mark hides in his work

Mark

But from what?

Roger

From facing your failure, facing your loneliness

Facing the fact you live a lie

Yes, you live a lie - tell you why

You're always preaching not to be numb

When that's how you thrive

You pretend to create and observe

When you really detach from feeling alive

Mark

Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive

Roger

Poor baby

Mark

Mimi still loves Roger

Is Roger really jealous

Or afraid that Mimi's weak

Roger

Mimi did look pale

Mark

Mimi's gotten thin

Mimi's running out of time

Roger's running out the door

Roger

No more! Oh no!

I've gotta go

Mark

Hey, for somebody who's always been let down

Who's heading out of town?

Roger

For someone who longs for a community of his own,

Who's with his camera, alone?

I'll call

I hate the fall

(Mimi re-enters)

You heard?

Mimi

Every word

You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees

You don't want to watch me die

I just came to say

Goodbye, love

Goodbye, love

Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye

Mimi

Just came to say

Goodbye love

Goodbye love

Goodbye love

Goodbye! Roger

Glory

One blaze of

Glory

Have to find

Mimi

Please don't touch me

Understand

I'm scared

I need to go away

Mark

I know a place - a clinic

Benny

A rehab?

Mimi

Maybe - could you?

Benny

I'll pay

Mimi

Goodbye love

Goodbye love

Came to say goodbye, love, goodbye

Just came to say

Goodbye love

Goodbye love

Goodbye love

Hello disease

In other news, I am seeing a spot in front of my right eye. It's driving me crazy!!!! I'm hoping that tomorrow mornign it'll be gone.

I have a french test tomorrow. Haven't studied yet, but I will tomorrow. I'll get up at 8, study for an hour or some, read my history, eat breakfast, and go to class at 11. I think I'll be ok, I just need to go over the French In Action storyline so I actually understand what's going on. ahhh. Minor details. :)

Between random Rent songs and H.M.S. Pinafore songs thrown in with a wide variety of 120 other songs, it's really amusing. Emotion changing for sure. ha!

Vienna

Watching the rain fall in vienna

Pictures of another time

from the corner of a small cafe

we watched the world go by

now we sit here the best of strangers

we played the game for all it's worth

endless nights in Vienna's eyes

Take me back again

Cause in Vienna-We were poetry

Yes, In Vienna-love was alive

watching you watching me

all that our eyes could see

all of the nights

we chased into the dawn

it was the best time of my life

we can't surrender to a feeling

that dance belongs to yesterday

yet, i still hear vienna's song

take me back again

Cause in Vienna-We were poetry

Yes, In Vienna-love was alive

watching you watching me

all that our eyes could see

all of the nights

we chased into the dawn

it was the best time of my life

Cause in Vienna-We were poetry

Yes, In Vienna-love was alive

watching you watching me

all that our eyes could see

all of the nights

we chased into the dawn

it was the best time of my life

It's funny, I was ok all day today until about 6pm. Then my legs started killing me. You add that to the fact that I was freezing cold, and had a red face, you'd think I had the flu. However, flu I do not have. The legs kill from riding and working yesterday (I believe I mentioned that Barb was being evil?): walking though deep snow hurts! and working today (snow again). The cold was from being out in the cold. The red face? Sunburn. Yes, sunburn in the winter. Let's just blame it on the sun actually being out today and reflecting off the snow and onto my face (while outside and while driving). Ahh. The drama.

My floor is drunk again. I don't want to leave the room for the rest of the night just incase people are falling over in the hall and bathroom. Ah well.

Slumber My Darling

by Alison Krauss

Slumber, my darling, thy mother is near,

Guarding thy dreams from all terror and fear,

Sunlight has pass'd and the twilight has gone,

Slumber, my darling, the night's coming on.

Sweet visions attend thy sleep,

Fondest, dearest to me,

While others their revels keep,

I will watch over thee.

Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,

The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,

Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,

And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm.

Slumber, my darling, till morn's blushing ray

Brings to the world the glad tidings of day;

Fill the dark void with thy dreamy delight--

Slumber, thy mother will guard thee tonight,

Thy pillow shall sacred be

From all outward alarms;

Thou, thou are the world to me

In thine innocent charms.

Slumber, my darling, the birds are at rest,

The wandering dews by the flow'rs are caressed,

Slumber, my darling, I'll wrap thee up warm,

And pray that the angels will shield thee from harm



Last Five Entries

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