What the hell am I going to do with my future? I want to be with horses, but I don't actually have any talent in that field nor experience. I don't have a clue what I want to do in that field. I don't want to be a trainer because I'll just screw up. I don't have the personality for it either. I have no experience with them. No one would ever want me to train their horses.
I can't be in the breeding field because I could never say goodbye to the horses. I just would hurt to much.
I can't be a bloodstock agent because I have bad judgement. I know nothing.
I can't be a photographer, I suck.
I can't be a journalist, I can't write.
I can't be a groom or a hot walker because I'm to stuck up to have a job that won't pay me more that 15,000 a year.
I can't do anything, I have no talent.
I can't talk to my mother because she's away.
I can't talk to my Aunt because she's busy with Gary.
I can't talk to my grandmother because she doesn't understand me.
I can't talk to my friends because I don't have any.
Nobody loves me. The world is against me.
If I don't work with horses, what the hell am I going to do. I have no talents. I have no interests. I have no dreams. I have no future.
I am nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
I am a talentless failure of life. That's it.
I want people to be proud of me. I want people to admire me. I want people to say good things about me. I want so much, but I don't have a clue how that all would be accomplished.
I want friends who care about me (I know you guys are out there, but I'm in the middle of a self-pitying rant). I want family that is proud of me. I want a boyfriend (who btw is not some imature ass). I want a family that cares about me. I want people to put me first once in a while. I want someone to for once care about me before themselves.
I want a mother who will just remember to ask ME how I AM (and how her sister is for that matter...she is half in love with some guy and YOU have NO CLUE that he even exists... or that ANYONE exists...but yourself that is.) You just think of YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU all the time so I AM JUST THINKING ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW. The only thing that you ever talk to me about is what I am doing wrong, what I am failing in life, what a dissapointment I am, what a failure I am. AND OH YEAH, I forgot, the number one thing that you only talk about is your fuckin' wedding to so fuckin' ass. I hate Glenn and he hates me, and yet I just have to deal because your freakin' happiness is all that matters. Fuck you. I'm just so sick of everything being about her and for once something to be be about me. Hell, I'd be happy if something even concerned my opinion these days.
I know my mom loves me and I love her, but hell I hate her more right now. I wish that everything wasn't about HER for once. I wish everything wasn't MY fault. I wish that she'd remember that I'm her daughter for god sakes.
I love my aunt and I am so grateful for her being around this past year. She's been my savior through everything. She's let me call and rant. She's done stuff with me since mom has pretty much deserted me every other weekends for the past year. I can say anything a she won't turn against me. I know she understands about my mother's selfishness as in the past month she has yet to ask her how she is. She doesn't ask then she doesn't get to learn that Gary exists.
But most of all I am eternally grateful for my puppies. My Caggy and Bo. The love me no matter what. Cagney feels the need to protect me and she's always right by me when I start crying, just sitting by, being there. And Toby, my baby Toby, my Bo (where the hell does Glenn get off calling her Bo? She is MY BO. My Tobo. My Baby. He has no right to take my special name and use it himself. It is MINE.), my best friend. She sometimes is the only thing that can make me smile. And right now as I am sitting here crying, she's right beside me, lying down with her head pressed against the ground and her eyes starring up, locked on me. She's my heart and I love her to death. Thank god for Toby. One trip to get dog food on a winter december day gave me the greatest friend in the world.
I miss him. I really, really do. BUT most of all I miss the fact that I don't remember him much at all. He's been gone for 9 years though he hasn't been here for about 10 years and I barely remember him. I forget the way he looks and the way he sounds. God that hurts so bad, just not remembering who he is. I know I didn't like him all the time, bnt that was because I loved my mom more. I know my mom tries to tell me hurtful things like I was the only one who deserved her attention in my mind, but that isn't true, but it is damn hurtful.
I just wish I wasn't the one who had to walk in on him having seizures for the first time when I was six because that is a lasting memory that I really don't want to have. I remember the abulance and my aunt and uncle (I miss him so much too, he was great to me) coming over to stay with Seth and I. It was dark outside and lights were flashing. When I first walked in I laughed for god sakes because I thought that the was playing a game and I remember saying, "stop it daddy, wake up. wake up. wake up," before I ran into find my mom in my room, the one at the end of the hall. I remember going to that hospital. I remember the hair loss. I remember he was back home. I remember the time we were on our way to radio shack (I remember the place) and he has seizures in the car and we had to pull over. I remember that he got sick again but I don't remember when. I remember that there were hospital stays and a hospital bed back home. I remember that I got to have a "big" bed because my mom needed to take my twin for herself with the hospital bed. I remember the private home nurses. I remember the one that would always make me fresh squeezed orange and grapefruit juice as well. I never went into his room to see him. If I did then I refused to even look at him. I remember the day that my mom told Seth and I we should say goodbye. I remember Seth went in, I don't think I even went in. I was told that I'd regret not being able to say goodbye. I didn't go in. He wasn't there anymore. He wasn't the same person. He wasn't there. It was just some sick, deformed, old, diapered body. I remember the morning that my mom woke me up in my room down the hall and told me he died. I didn't cry. Seth and I played nerf basketball downstairs. Sue was there, I miss her so much too. Mom went and bought us hoagies from Conestoga Pizza. I had a tuna one. I had pneumonia at one point when he was very sick, seth did too. I was in my current room. I had pink liquid children's advil. It was sick. I remember all this, but not who he is, or rather was. I remember the funeral at the chapel at Adeth Israel. I remember someone lent me black clothes. I remember the ripped piece of fabric that was black pined on me. I remember candy in Rabbi Fred Kazen's office that I got to eat. I remember people hugging me and being sad, I didn't cry or talk, just sat there. I remember mom being mad that Sarah Robinawitz's mom didn't bring Sarah because she'd be to sad. I remember that Justine and Kirsten came to the house that night. Lots of people were still there. Kirsten wrote a nice note I think. I remember the dedication of the tombstone. I refused to uncover it and people said I'd regret it. I refused so Sue stood right next to be that day in the sun with her arm around me and didn't make me help mom and seth uncover it. I miss her.
I have no regrets about all the things that people say I'll regret. None what-so-ever.
I remember people feeling bad after it happened, but what about before? He wasn't "there" or the same since first grade. He died a year later, but in a way he was already dead.
I hate Glenn and it has nothing to do with any of the above. I find him to be an arrogant ass who is always right (though he isn't, just thinks he is). He feels the need to tell me what to do and I can't answer anything because he yells at me if I do. Arizona was hell because of him. I hate his son but Glenn is so much worse. I make a general comment, rather I open my mouth and I get "oh shut up. all you do is complain and i don't want to hear it." I hate the guy. I hate the fact that he claims that the prince (poor guy died to young) was harboring terrorists because he is arab. UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
I've got to end this now because I'm going crazy. This was such a self-pitying diary. But it's my diary and I can be selfish if I want.
If you made it this far, buy yourself a 24 k diamond bracelet.
If I have any friends out there, e-mail me and make me feel loved, kay? sorry for so much self pity.
Song has been used before, but it's my song.
"you in the dark, you in the pain, you on the road. Living a hell living your ghost living your hell. never seems to get in the place that I belong. Don't want to lose the time, lose the time to come. Whatever you say its alright, whatever you do its all good, whatever you do its alright..."