2005-02-02 : 11:31p.m.
"...for my life was in a rut..." 'Solsbury Hill' -- Peter Gabriel

Current Song: "You and Me" Lifehouse
Current Rant: just pissed off at the roommates. likely a result of the never ending crappy mood.
Current Obsession: iTunes

It would seem that I've fallen into a never ending bad mood. Honestly, I can't say I'm really sure why. I mean, when I sit and think about it, I have some ideas as to why, but honestly I don't have any idea as to what brought it on. It's just there and its just brought me so far down this week. I mean I'm sure being exhausted and just fed up with class has a lot to do with the mood bringing me down too, but still... Ugh.

I am just exhausted right now. I am getting decent amounts of sleep so that's not it, but... I am just so tired and when I'm up I feel just like I'm running around in circles and I can't stop it. The world is spinning so fast and here I am, just struggling to keep up. I just want to wake up one day and be like, "wow! I can get up!!!" but as of now, it really doesn't seem like that's going to happen. I'm just trying to stay afloat. That sort of seems far more extreme than I meant for it to sound, but you get the idea, right?

Today was basically spent doing 3 things: eating (cream of wheat for breakfast!!)--haha, reading, and working at the barn. I don't know. It just was a sucky day in general. I woke up exhausted (maybe I'm getting sick or something, who knows...) and ended up hitting the library to read for Lit2 because it wasn't happening in the room. I just kept falling asleep, or feeling like I was falling asleep. So yeah I read for a while and then came back here and basically left for the barn. Now I used to (and to an extent I still do) look forward to going. Honestly, I think of it as the highlight of my day to a certain extent, but then I get there and wonder why. It's basically just Hannah and I now so it ends up like "let's run around for hours so that we can get everything done" and there's no time to breathe. I just want to be able to breathe. I want the waters to stop covering my head. And the worst part about it all is I don't even know why it's the barn that's making me crazy like this. I don't know. Maybe if I had time to breathe, maybe then. See that's why it was so great when Steph was there. At least there was another one of us so that we weren't running around like 3 headed idiots. It's just the rushing that bothers me so much. I mean take today. We went up top at 4:05 and Barney and Scooby and Huggy, well, not Huggy, were all the way down at Paoli Pike. Keep in mind, treching through the snow is tiring, so I went to get those two while Hannah got Huggy. By the time we were half way up the field on the way back, it was 4:24. I rushed back with Scooby after giving Hannah Barney, and managed to get back by 4:28 (how? I don't have a clue. Different times on different clocks I guess), tacked Scooby up in 2 minutes and 4:30 came and he was ready for the lesson (the others were for 5pm). Yeah, we were ready, but man I had to kill myself for that to happen. Then came the hell hour, catching for 6. Basically we need every horse. Some get tacked, some don't b/c riders have there own crap. Some can stay in the ring, others will murder the other horses if we let them stand around in there... ahhhhh! So once again, it was rush like an idiot. I really think that the 6pm lesson is the one that makes me want to shoot myself in the head... I mean it was 555 and I was taking up Forsooth and barely got him ready in time. I had to get Liz to do Kenzie. And then after that Forsooth didn't even get used. AHHHH!!!! Once again, I felt like I was running around in circles. After that I sort of got a break. Threw Scooby out up top, cleaned a bit of tack (and threw tack around the tack room to make myself feel better--it sort of worked!) and then just sat around talking for a few minutes. But then was my lesson so once again the circle of frustration begins...

I love riding, but sometimes I just feel like I am regressing. I'm not saying that I'm doing what I'm doing perfectly, I'm not. Far from perfect. But sometimes I just feel like I'm standing still and not doing anything. Every lesson, 2x a week, lately has been exactly the same. We start off doing the same things and finish off doing the same things. Yeah sometimes something little that's different is thrown in, but nothing major enough. I just am, I don't want to say bored, but... bored, frustrated, and am second guessing everything I'm thinking, doing when it comes to riding. After lessons like this my first thought is usually "I nearly killed myself just for THIS?" UGHHHHH!!!! I just sometimes wonder if I'm one of those people who isn't doing anything because I just suck when it comes to riding. Do I just not have "it"? whatever "it" is???

What makes life all the better is that after the lesson, I have even more work to do. Ughhh! Alexis wasn't there today and Hannah left so it was me. I got Ricky taken care of (following the crappy lesson/riding on my behalf) and in his stall, and then realized I had 3 ponies to take up top. Now, I can do 2, but not 3. If there wasn't snow, then MAYBE, but...
I convinced Kaitlyn to come up which made everything easier, but still. I'm just so frustrated!!! It was walking up that I sort of realized what all of it is. I was talking about my never ending bad mood, and sort of realized that as of late, I've been questioning every choice I've made in the last 2 years. Why am I here? Why aren't I somewhere else? Did I make the wrong choice? Am I learning anything? Am I wasting my time? What the fuck am I doing with my life? What am I doing?!?!?! I did contemplate transfering, but if I do, I'd likely have to stay an extra semester or so and I don't want to do that. I've gained a lot and lost a lot here and I don't know which way I'm going. I just don't know!!!!!

So anyway, I ended up back in the tack room and realized there was a shit load of tack to clean so that's what I did. I cleaned. (and talked, but that's not the point. Actually, I'm not sure how much talking I did. Listening?) I don't think Barb even realized that I had as much until she came back and I was still cleaning tack. In the end, I was told I did enough and we should all leave, but ughhhhh. It's not enough. None of this is enough! Where the fuck am I going? Anyway, I got in the car and started crying as I drove back here. I'm just such a mess this week and again I don't really know why. I just hate this!!!!

Ya know what I just realized? Stuff that was bothering me so much most of last spring semester doesn't even cross my mind anymore. I think I'm glad about that. Who knows, it really screwed me up then, but now it's not even an after thought. Hell, it freaked me out last year, though with good reason. I still don't have a clue what caused any of it, but I'm not sure it matters any more. I have realized that there are a couple of you out there that I know I can always count on, whether or not we talk all that much. If I need an old friend, I know I've got some. So thanks! ((hugs) Now, that all said, how much time did I waste last year on the whole susan thing? Lots of it. That said, come summer on, I can't say I thought about it at all once. That, I am proud of. It did screw me up some though. I'm more doubtful of myself because of that though and that sucks.

So anyway, there I am. Well, not really. That's not even the half of it. I know I have to get over it and maybe it's just a mood or something, but ergggg. It's just taking over right now. I really just need a good cry. Of course, I can't get that until I have privacy (aka my car) so it doesn't work out very well. Anyway, I've already written this week off. It started off bad and it's stayed that way. I don't know what to do about that barn. I sort of just want a lesson without all the other crap, but I guess that's not an option. I just can't always deal. I'll see how I feel come Monday. I mean, I can't quit 'cause I can't afford $70 a week for lessons or even $35 without working more so I don't have options, but... I need something.

Anyway, to end this, I went iTune crazy today. New Lifehouse song "You and Me," Sum 41 "Pieces," Rascall Flatts "Bless the Broken Road" as well as Peter Gabriels "Solsbury Hill" and Pearl Jam, "Black."

Wow. This all was long. Now let's see. Did anyone make it to the end?

Last Five Entries

Peter Jennings - 2005-08-08
- - 2005-08-08
night i'd not like to repeat - 2005-06-20
- - 2005-06-19
so i'll update - 2005-06-07

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