2004-05-12 : 11:29 p.m.
"...I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence..."

Current Song: "Slow Down" Ben Jelen
Current Rant: The barn
Current Obsession: JJ

Eunice told me to update my blog so I figure I�ll be a good person and do as she says. I haven�t written, really written, in such a long time and for that reason I don�t know where to start and what to say. I just don�t. I�m not going to recap anything, but, oh who the hell knows.

I�m just in such a crappy mood right now. I shouldn�t be, but yet I am. It seems as if the barn either makes me day or ruins it beyond recognizable belief. Ugh. Why does everything have to be so damn frustrating or at the very least complicated? It really gets to wearing down on me, damnit. I just can�t always take it. I don�t want the damn drama. I just� oh fuck everything, damn the world.

So where to start? I�m just frustrated I guess. I just can�t deal with everything. I don�t want to put some details from the barn in here because I just don�t feel comfortable. If this was password protected, fine, but it�s not, at least right now. Anyway, the crap I�m alluding to just has worn me out so much that I guess I�m just� who knows.

I had a fucking awesome lesson on Monday but somehow the joy from that has worn off. I jumped an oxer and then the coup without standards and then the coup to the coup (both with standards). I was still thrilled today and actually said something to B a r b about it and guess what? She somehow managed to ruin my happiness with some comment about how technically I shouldn�t be allowed to do all that stuff and that this is why all the horses are lame and that lessons technically should only jump Xs. Of course, this is all while I�ve jumped coups with B a r b before as well as verticals and today I pretty much just did the rolltop so who knows. That said, I have to deny the fact that she let me jump the rolltop so who the fuck knows. All I can say is that place is so screwed up sometimes. You need to watch what you say for anything you say (or think or allude to) can and will be used against you. Grr.

Then there is the show crap. I originally signed up for grand prix class because B a r b said I could do it. A few weeks ago after second guessing, I changed to the show ring challenge on Fergie cause she was all who was left. I had my amazing lesson on Monday and Josie told me to do Grand Prix so I signed up again but stayed in the other class too. I asked B a r b tonight what I should do and she basically said I wasn�t allowed to do Grand Prix for it is for owners and leasers only. Fine I could deal with that, but she was the one who signed me up for it in the first place and basically screwed any shot I had of getting a good horse because of that. Ugh. It�s a stupid little show, but that just got me so mad at the end of tonight as I was getting in the car. Just. Grr.

See I guess this is really what is bothering me. I ride with B a r b primarily and occasionally other people. T a r a lets her people jump high as do several others however, technically they aren�t allowed to and the people I ride with? Basically they follow the rules. SO here we go. I feel like I�m in a rut. I can jump Xs and small verticals and yeah the coup and rolltop (sorta) but I don�t get to work on the last two much. I won�t consistently get to until I either start riding with a psycho instructor such as T a r a (she is. I�m sorry. She is.) or ride with Rachel. However, I cannot ride with Rachel for I don�t own/ lease a horse. So basically, I do all this work and get nothing out of it because I can�t lease a horse right now. So what do I do? Change barns? But I�m finally comfortable here. Grr. Hopefully one day� Anyway, maybe an occasional lesson with T a r a won�t kill me. Actually, it might.

Yes, so that is the basic description of my bad mood. That and B a r b seeming to be in a semi-crappy mood as well and crappy moods spread far too easily.

Lyrics from Ben Jelen�s �Slow Down� that was on at the end of Judging Amy last night; my new theme song. Sad, but oh so true�

All of my answers and all my reasons

And all my excuses they never asked

Cause all of my answers they keep on changing

I spend my life waiting for the next...

No, I just keep on moving

No, I just keep on pushing forward

No, I forgot what I was looking for

And all their illusions, I won't believe them

I'll always believe what I can't forget

Cause all of their reasons, they keep on changing

I spend my life waiting for the next...

No, I just keep on moving

No, I just keep on pushing forward

No, I forgot what I was looking for

I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence

To get away from all my lies

I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence

To get away from getting by

I'd trade wisdom back for innocence

Just for one look through those eyes

I would trade all my wisdom just for innocence again. The world is an ugly place damnit.

Last Five Entries

Peter Jennings - 2005-08-08
- - 2005-08-08
night i'd not like to repeat - 2005-06-20
- - 2005-06-19
so i'll update - 2005-06-07

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