2005-05-03 : 11:34 p.m.
My heart felt entry

Current Song: Lauren's tv
Current Rant: exams suck
Current Obsession: procrastination does not.

Well, it's been a while, but I'm in an odd place and feel like writing.

Exams have now begun and the end is in reach. I was so excited to be finished, but now I'm sort of not. It's just strange, the end and all.

Grace left today. That really made it strange. Her space is now empty. Erin leaves on Thursday. Katie on Saturday. Kalyn is pretty much gone. That'll leave Lauren and I. I'm leaving on Tuesday, she on Thursday. I'm not sure I can handle being in an empty room. I really don't think so.

So in the midst of my procrastination, after the trip to the airport with Erin and Rory to drop Grace off, and after dinner, Erin and I just started talking about stuff. Basically how strange it was with Grace gone, how we all got along all year, with the exception of the Grace-Kalyn stuff at the end. Then we discussed Kalyn. I don't think I mentioned it but Kalyn was in the hospital and then released. She came back but then decided to leave and just do as little as she could get away with from her sister's house in NJ. Did I know why she was in the hospital? Yes and now. Grace and Katie mentioned something about exhaustion, but we all knew that was just a cover. Based on stuff, I assumed two things. Mental breakdown or suicide. It was, as I assumed, the later. I've really known since then, but hearing the actual words from Erin's mouth made it true. We all were talking that we could see the signs of "what happened" but we didn't realize it. It's really all very strange. Erin and I were both gone that weekend. I'm not sure who else was here. She tried it here, evidently. That was my first assumption, but then Katie confused me. I really don't think any of us knew. I've known for a weeks now (April 11th?) but for some reason it's all really sinking in right now. I see it two way. The oh my god that's awful is she ok?-way and the how the fuck could someone do that to themselves?-way. Now obviously she didn't succeed and I'm not thinking she was all that close so it was more likely just a cry for help or something, but still. It's enough to freak a person out. I remember all of Cherilyn's trauma, but I can't say I was mature enough to handle it or really try and deal with it. No one "close" to me has ever attempted suicide so it freaks me out. I think the hope that it was a mental breakdown kept it less real till now. I knew. I had to know. Hell, we've all talked about it without actually saying the word "suicide." Even Erin didn't use suicide. It was more, "when Kalyn tried to kill herself..." Who knows.
But what really got me started was just us talking about how much everyone has changed since September. Katie, though still immature, has grown up. Lauren has changed a lot, but... Grace got louder and more comfortable being here and honestly, more pissed off. Erin, Erin really hasn't changed at all. She's still the person who I can talk to but who I'm also ready to kill at times. It's funny. She's very self centered and has the whole "I'm always right attitude" and it drives me crazy! Still, I don't think I could have gotten through this year without her. And me. Erin said I didn't change much. I got louder, but that's about it. In the beginning no one ever knew I was here, but now I'm louder and people do. Lol. No, but really I think I've just gotten so much more comfortable. I can be me at times.

I'm sort of mad at myself. I should have spoken up to Erin about not having a roommate. She thought all along that I had one which was why she never asked me to room with her and people next year. Especially when she ended up rooming with Lauren and Krystal and Lena. I could have had Lena's spot. I mean, I know Lauren and Krystal from riding so... and Erin doesn't even know Krystal. I just need to get brave. I can move in Spring semester if I want though. Ha. Well, if stuff falls through, maybe. If stuff falls through for fall though, Katie better move in. Sure would beat a triple in Heinz!!! That said, for now, I'm still roomming with Kalyn.

Seriously though, Kalyn has changed so much this semester, I can't even recognize her from the fall. It really seemed to have started when she got "the boyfriend" and as Erin said, moved way too fast. She really did. She went from being single to staying at his place WITH A KEY every weekend. I don't think she could balance class, a boy friend, work, and friends. I really don't think so. Considering she never was really in a relationship before this...

I got to say, in many ways I'm really glad I'm single. I mean, I swear I want a boy friend badly, hell, I want DATES badly, but maybe it's best that it's now happenning (though people please set me up or something, I wouldn't mind DATES this summer....), I mean, maybe I first need to be secure with me before I can be secure with someone else, especially of the opposite sex. The thing is, I'm 20 and will be a junior and it freaks me out. 2 years and I'll be graduating and going into the work world. I need to get myself working and settled without worrying about a relationship that could lead to more. I don't know if I want to marry (long term relationship, fine!) but I do know I need to be in the world on my own for a while BEFORE I even commit to a serious relationship. Of course, it is easy to say this now, a student who is very sadly single. ha. But you know what I'm saying. I want to be 25 or 27 (not 26, lol) before I think about long term commitment. Let's give me 5 to 7 years at least, ok?

Anyway, I'm not sure I know where this is all going. I don't. I want to date, but don't have prospect and fear falling in love and commiting at this point in my life, funny, huh? Oh well, I shouldn't because I'm looking for dates and fun, not serious.

Anyway, I read all 3 of the sisterhood of the traveling pants books since Sunday. Sad yes, I know. But they really touched me. I'm not sure why either. When school is over, I'm going to read them again, reflect, and then maybe they'll impact me more or not at all. Oh well, I do recommend reading them, once you get into them, very good (and sappy. sappy is good.) so...

Well, I've rambled on a lot. I think I said a lot more than usual. Why am I being so open? I don't know but it does scare me.

Maybe you also know what I'm thinking subconciously too. Change, sudden change, in people scares me. There's probably a lot more to it than I originally thought...

Last Five Entries

Peter Jennings - 2005-08-08
- - 2005-08-08
night i'd not like to repeat - 2005-06-20
- - 2005-06-19
so i'll update - 2005-06-07

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