2004-01-09 : 4:55 p.m.
"Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now, that it's time to share."


Current Song:
Current Rant:
Current Obsession:

I love The West Wing!

Quote time!!!

LAURIE: Tell your friend Potus that he�s got a funny name and he should learn how to ride a bicycle.
SAM: I would, but he�s not my friend, he�s my boss, and it�s not his name, it�s his title.
LAURIE: "Potus"?
SAM: President of the United States. I�ll call you.

SAM: Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?
JOSH Yeah. (Beat) You?
SAM: Yeah.

DONNA: You�ve been wearing the same clothes for 31 hours now, Josh.
JOSH: I�m not getting spruced up for these people, Donna.
DONNA: All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt.
Josh is skeptical, but he�s not taking any chances�
JOSH (grabbing the shirt and tie) Gimme that.

SAM: Ms. O�Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I�m a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that�s not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine�s about to get fired for going on television and making sense and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss�s daughter.
MALLORY: That would be me.
SAM: You.
MALLORY: Yes.
SAM: Leo�s daughter�s fourth grade class.
MALLORY: Yes.
SAM: (pauses) Well this is bad on so many levels.

JOSH: Okay, can I just say that, as it turned out, I was the calmest person in the room.
TOBY: She was calling us New York Jews, Josh.
JOSH: Yes, but being from Connecticut, I didn�t mind so much.


POST-HOC, ERGO PROPTER HOC

JOSH: Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine!
DONNA: Good morning, Josh.
JOSH: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest muffins and bagels in all the land.
DONNA: It's gonna be an unbearable day.

TOBY: Mrs. Landingham does the president have free time this morning?
MRS. LANDINGHAM: The president has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?
TOBY: Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: What age would that be, Toby?
TOBY: Late twenties?
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Atta boy.
TOBY opens her cookie jar.
TOBY: Can I have a cookie?
MRS. LANDINGHAM: No.
SAM walks in.
SAM: Toby, they turned down our request?
TOBY: C.J.'s on it.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Good morning, Sam.
SAM: Good morning.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Have a cookie, Sam.
SAM : Thank you.

C.J. (On TV) I have to say that it came as a bit of a surprise to discover that professional golfers don't have a sense of humor, especially after seeing them in some of the outfits.


Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute?
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidently?
Sam: Yes
Toby: I don�t understand, did you trip over something?

TOBY: This administration doesn't even need an opposition party, do you know that, we do fine by ourselves.


A PROPORTIONAL RESPONSE

JOSH: Ok. Here's what I'm gonna do.
DONNA: Hide in your office?
JOSH: No. I'm not gonna hide in my office. I'm gonna go into my office and devise a strategy. That is what I do. I'm a professional. I'm not a little boy.
DONNA: Hmm. that's the spirit.
JOSH: But if she calls, I'm at the dentist. I'll be back in an hour.
DONNA: Got it.
JOSH then walks into HIS OFFICE. He immediately sees C.J. sitting on his desk reading a newspaper. He SCREAMS. C.J. looks pissed.
C.J.: Wow, are you stupid!

TOBY: How the hell did I get into trouble?
JOSH: Today, all you had to do was get out of bed.

JOSH: 'Insuccessful'?
DONNA: What's the problem?
JOSH: I don't think we're allowed to make up our own words.
DONNA: Oh, and like there's no chance it's a typo.
JOSH: Change it, would you? Serious people are going to read that.

CJ: One other thing.
Sam: Are we done?
CJ: No Sam, when I say one other thing that means we�re not done, it means that there�s one other thing.

Sam: Have you ever tried to overthrow the government?
Charlie: No, sir.
Sam: What the hell�s been stopping you?

Josh: I�ve got nothing to do. Just like a writer on a movie set.

Leo: That�s a pretty ugly tie.
Bartlet: My granddaughter gave me this tie
Leo: My nephew gave me an ashtray he made at summer camp
Bartlet: Get away from me! Somebody throw this guy out of the building!

FIVE VOTES DOWN

POTUS: Right in front of everybody. I looked to the side at one point, you know. I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork.
TOBY: Well, but for the secret service agents restraining me, sir.
POTUS: Yup. Thank God for the secret service.

CJ: I thought it was inspired.
Toby: Why do you keep saying stuff like that?
CJ: Just to see you face turn that color.

CJ: Do you think that I have an unusually large neck?
Josh: What the hell?


Leo: I should sell tickets to this meeting.


Josh: President Bartlet�s a good man. He�s got a good heart. He doesn�t hold a grudge. That�s what he pays me for.

Toby: There�s literally no one in the world that I don�t hate right now.

Bartlet: Before I go, please let me just say this. I�m seriously considering getting a dog.

POTUS: You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass.
TOBY: Well that�s what my mother calls it too, sir.

Girls in the crowd: We love you, Josh!
Josh: Thanks.
C.J.: it helps not to know him!

Leo: There's two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em: laws and sausages.

Mandy: They're going to love you for being broke Toby.
Toby: I found that. I found that women especially can't get enough of my 1993 Dodge Dart.

Sam: Where are you going?
Josh: Where are you going?
Sam: I was following you.
Josh: I was following you. All right, don't tell anyone this happened, okay?

THE CRACKPOTS AND THESE WOMEN

DONNA: What do you think it�s about?
JOSH: I don�t know. But this is the White House, so it�s probably not that important.

BOB: We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
SAM: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
BOB: No.
SAM: Thank God. Like we don�t have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.

CJ: There�s an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.
Josh: What�s it about?
CJ: Smallpox.
Josh: The disease?
CJ: No, the desert topping, Josh.

Josh: Is today total crackpot day?

Josh: what did you want to talk about?
Leo: First off (he slaps him on the top of the head) That�s for total crackpot day.

Sam: There are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump form a radar officer to the Commander in Chief would skip several of those levels.
Bob: Like what?
Sam: Like the Pentagon, and you know, perhaps therapy.

CJ: More people get killed each year getting change out of a vending machine than get killed in a wolf attack. Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a verding machine: four. Number of people killed in a wolf attack: zero.

Bartlet: CJ, I don�t mind the cost of this wolves-only highway, it the segregation. The ACLU is going to file a petition on behalf of some reindeer, and then we�re all screwed.

JOSH: Drop the spoon.
ZOEY: I knew it was you.
JOSH: You look good!
ZOEY: And, you look like death in a Triscut.
JOSH: Oh, thanks very much. I�m seeing a new barber.

Mr. WILLIS OF OHIO

Sam: You�ve been faking it?
CJ: Yes.
Sam: The President.
CJ: I know, I probably shouldn�t do that.
Sam: You think?
CJ: I�ll see you at lunch.

Josh walks out of the Oval Office. Mallory and Zoe come up from behind.
Zoey: Josh!
Josh: Hey.
Mallory: Hey.
Zoey: Take us with you.
Josh: Where?
Mallory: Out tonight.
Zoey: Your plans with Charlie.
Josh: How do you know I�m going out with Charlie?
Zoey: My Dad just told us.
Mallory: He said you should take us with you.
Josh: The man is like a camp counselor.

Josh: Sam, I�m taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.
Sam: Sounds good.
CJ: I like beer.
Josh: If you want to come I guess that�d be okay.
CJ: Why, Josh, you�ve swept me off my feet.

CJ: She didn�t bring my grasshopper?
Josh: She didn�t?
CJ: No
Josh: Maybe she just felt really stupid ordering it.

Bartlet: What were you doing taking my daughter out to a bar
Josh: You told me to, sir.
Bartlet: I told you to take Charlie. When Zoey said she was going I just assumed you were going to go have malteds or something.
Josh: Malteds, sir?
Bartlet: Yes
Josh: What is this, Our Town?

STATE DINNER

CJ: Man alive, do I love it when In Style Magazine is issued press credentials. Mirabella needed to know what kind of wine is being served with the fish course. So, it's a good thing I went to school for 22 years.
JOSH: What wine are we getting served?
CJ: It's wine and you'll drink it.
JOSH: Okay.

JOSH: Well, prudent or not, once the scythe comes out, I'm probably going to haul ass.

Sam Seaborn: Toby, do you really think it's a good idea to invite people to dinner and then to tell them exactly what they're doing wrong with their lives?
Toby Ziegler: Absolutely, otherwise it's just a waste of food.

Bartlet: Where�s Toby sitting?
Leo: With CJ, Sam and Josh
Bartlet: Now that�s the fun table

Sam (to Josh): We look good, don�t we?
Mandy: Do you two want to be alone?

Abbey: I was looking for the President
Sam: He had to step out to the West Wing, I�m not sure why, but I could go �
Abbey: To pistol-whip the trucking industry
Sam: Why would he �
Abbey: Because he can�t save a gun victim and he can�t stop a hurricane.

Press Secretary CJ Cregg: You won't get a story by flirting with me.
Danny: I know.
Press Secretary CJ Cregg: Then why do you do it?
Danny: To flirt with you.

MANDY: What is it you do here exactly?
JOSH: It's never really been made clear to me.

ENEMIES

POTUS: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah. What do you think?
President Bartlet walks to his desk and writes a note.
JOSH: Good a place as any to dump your body.
BARTLETT: What was that?
JOSH: Did I say that out loud?
BARTLETT: See, and I was gonna let you go home.
JOSH: But instead?
BARTLETT: We�re gonna talk about Yosemite.

MANDY: You guys are idiots. Did you know that?
C.J.: In our own defense, we actually do know that.

Bartlet: Ok, everyone sit down. You�re freaking me out.

MALLORY: Excuse me, Margaret.
(To Leo) Hello.
LEO: Hey, baby.
MALLORY: Don�t �hey baby� me, you addle-minded Machiavellian jerk!
MARGARET: Should I step out?
LEO: Sounds like it.

THE SHORT LIST

SAM: Who da man?
TOBY: You da man!
SAM and JOSH: We da man!
DONNA: This is just gross.

President Josiah Bartlet: Congratulations. So, who is da man on this one?
Communications Director Toby Ziegler: I think this time we're collectively da man, sir.

DONNA: There's many a slip twixt the tongue and the wrist, Josh.
JOSH: Yes. Well, your fortune cookie wisdom notwithstanding, it's gonna sail.
DONNA: Please don't get your hopes up.
JOSH: Why shouldn't I get my hopes up?
DONNA: Because when it doesn't work out, you end up drunk in my apartment in the middle of the night and yell at my roommate's cats.
JOSH: Smooth sailing, Donna.
DONNA: Cautious optimism, Josh.
JOSH: Nothing bad is gonna happen this week.
DONNA: Exercise cautious optimism.
JOSH: Look, there is no reason -
A big chunk of the ceiling comes falling down in front of Josh. It crashes in his desk.
JOSH: Well...okay.

JOSH: Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now, that it's time to share.
MANDY: This isn't funny, Josh.
JOSH: Mandy, if you can't laugh at this, then you're just not having enough fun in show business.

C.J. walks away from the podium and approaches a STAFFER.
C.J.: Set fire to the room. Do it now.

Leo: CJ, you should � where�s CJ?
CJ: (coming up behind him) Right here. Sorry.
Leo: You should wear a bell around your neck, you know that?

Josh: Hell, I mean, just the law of large numbers says we gotta win one one of these days, right? Let�s make it a good one.

LEO: I guess you're the guy with the worst job in the building this week, huh?
JOSH: (laughs) I was interrogating this intern from the Legislative Liaison's Office, and she broke down crying while telling me about the bong she had made out of an eggplant.
LEO: You can do that?
JOSH: I used to use a potato.
LEO: You've always been industrious.

JOSH: You're Leo McGarry. You're not gonna be taken down by this... small fraction of a man. I won't permit it.

IN EXCELSIS DEO

Donna: Good morning Josh.
Josh: Good morning Donna, and a Merry Christmas to you and your whole Protestant family.
Donna: Thank you.

Josh: Where are you going?
Bartlet: A place called Rare Books. You know what they sell?
Josh: Fishing tackle.
Bartlet: Funny boy.

LORD JOHN MARBERRY

TOBY: How could the CIA miss 300,000-armed people walking all over-
BARTLETT: They didn�t exactly miss them. In fact, they�ve got a very good photo now.
TOBY: Yeah, but the idea is to spot them before they cross the border, right?
BARTLETT: Yeah.
TOBY: Oops.

Mrs. L: How are you, Josh?
Josh: I�ve been subpoenaed.
Mrs. L: Oh, I�m sorry dear. Would you like a cookie?

LARRY and ED are briefing TOBY, C.J., and SAM.
LARRY: India�s population stands at roughly one billion. 82% are Hindus, 11% are Muslim.
ED: They�re mostly poor, but nearly as bad off as Pakistanis.
LARRY: Yes, whose average per capita income is $400.
ED: They are, however, better educated. Their literacy rate is 48%.
LARRY: And they�re healthier. Average life span is 57.7 years.
ED: The average rainfall ~
TOBY: The hell kind of briefing is this?
LARRY: Toby, if we could just have another hour to prepare
TOBY: Where�d you get this stuff?
LARRY: I swear to God, the Encyclopedia Britannica.

SAM: Mandy wants to take on Mike Brace as a client.
JOSH: Is there another Mike Brace?
SAM: Not in the House of Representatives, no.
JOSH: She understands he�s a Republican right?
SAM: Yeah, she�s a pretty bright girl.
JOSH: Oh, I�m gonna kill her.
SAM: So you�re saying no way?
JOSH: Yeah that�s a big 10-4.
SAM: Yeah.

BARTLETT: Zoey just walked right up to him and asked him out.
LEO: She�s a very outgoing girl.
BARTLETT: See, but a dungeon would have put an end to that.
LEO: We learn these lessons the hard way.
BARTLETT: I think you�re trying to cover up the fact that you�re enjoying this.
LEO: I�m not trying to cover it up at all.
BARTLETT: I�m a father in pain.
LEO: Well, really you�re just a pain.
BARTLETT: Leo.
LEO: Got a racial problem?
BARTLETT: A racial problem?
LEO: It�s okay to admit it.
BARTLETT: I don�t!
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: I don�t have a racial problem.
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: I�m Spencer Tracy at the END of �Guess Who�s Coming to Dinner.�
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: Racial problem!
LEO: I�m just saying -
BARTLETT: My problem is not that she�s white, he�s black, it�s that she�s a girl and he�s not. To say nothing of he�s older than she is.
LEO: She�s nineteen, he�s twenty-one.
BARTLETT: Yeah, but a guy learns a lot in those two years.
LEO: Okay.
BARTLETT: Tracy was good in that movie.
LEO: Yeah.

LEO: He thinks I�m the butler.
BARTLETT: For the first couple of weeks, so did I.

Bartlet: My daughter asked you out?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: I should have locked her in the dungeon.
Charlie: I don�t think you�ve got one sir.
Bartlet: I could have built one.

BARTLETT: Say, listen. My hesitation about your going out with Zoey before, you know, it�s not �cause you�re black. CHARLIE sits opposite him.
CHARLIE: I didn�t think it was.
BARTLETT: It�s not.
CHARLIE: I thought it was �cause I�m a guy.
BARTLETT: It is.
CHARLIE: I understand.
BARTLETT: Still, I want you to go out with her if that�s what you both want to do.
CHARLIE: I�d like to.
BARTLETT: That�s fine.
CHARLIE: Thank you, sir.
BARTLETT: Just remember these two things: She�s nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.
CHARLIE: Yes sir.
BARTLETT: Also this - no kidding. You go out with Zoey, you�re gonna get your picture taken. There�s gonna be a lot of people not wild about the sight of you and the President�s daughter. You know what to do with the mail, right?
CHARLIE: Yes sir.
BARLET (Standing) all right. You keep your head up.
CHARLIE: Yes sir.
BARTLETT: Should have built a dungeon.
CHARLIE: Yes sir.

Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: Toby, how much do you know about India and Pakistan?
Toby Ziegler: I know that any war between these two countries that begins with conventional weapons isn�t going to end that way.

Indian ambassador: You look well, Mr. President.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: I was looking a lot better before your country breached about 14 ceasefire conditions without so much as a phone call.

Charles 'Charlie' Young: Mr. President?
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.
Charles 'Charlie' Young: Yes, sir.
Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet: And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.
Charles 'Charlie' Young: Yes, sir.

Sam: You�re a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo McGarry I�m going to bust you like a pi�ata.

John: Allow me to present myself. Lord John Marberry. I was summonded by your President.
Leo: Yes, we�ve met. Ten or twelve times. I�m Leo McGarry.
John: Oh, I thought you were the butler.

HE SHALL FROM TIME TO TIME

JOSH: Are his glands swollen?
C.J.: Damn.
JOSH: What?
C.J: You know what I forgot to do today?
JOSH: What?
C.J.: I forgot to feel the president's glands.
JOSH: Do you think the joke reflex you use as a defense mechanism is why you have so much trouble keeping a man?
C.J.: You know...?
JOSH: I�m saying, we're 44 hours away from the State of the Union, and he doesn't look so good.

Bartlet: Is it possible I�m taking something called �euthanasia?�
Sam: Echinacea?
Bartlet: That sounds more like it.

Toby: You don�t look so good, sir.
Bartlet: Well, I�m gazing into the 321st century, man, there�s a lot on my mind.

C.J.: Mr. President.
BARTLETT: I'm taking pills, C.J.
C.J.: Are you actually taking them, or are you just carrying them around in your pocket?
BARTLETT: You know, carrying them around in my pocket was a pretty big step for me.

ABBEY: Want a nickel worth of free advice?
MALLORY: Sure.
ABBEY: Don't go for the geniuses. They never want to sleep.

Josiah 'Jed' Bartlett: I was watching a television program before, with a kind of roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends -- apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. And they brought the boyfriends out, and they fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?

BARTLET: Abbey phoned me up and told me about your conversation. I was diagnosed about seven years ago. My life expectancy is normal. My particular course of MS is relapsing-remitting, which means I should experience total recovery after attacks. Abbey gives me injections of something called Betaseron, and that reduces the frequency. Fever and stress tend to be two things that induces attacks.
LEO: Well, you're the president of the United States, you're delivering the State of the Union tomorrow night, India and Pakistan are pointing nuclear weapons at each other, and you have a 102-degree fever. So I guess we're out of the woods, hmm?

TAKE OUT THE TRASH DAY

Toby: I was raised on Sesame Street, I was raised on Julia Child, I was raised on Brideshead Revisited � their legacy is safe in my hands. (CJ laughs) You got a problem with that?
CJ: You watched cooking shows?
Toby: I watched Miss Julia Child.

(Mrs. Landingham sees Bartlet reading the sex ed report)
Mrs. L: Would you like to share what�s in that report sir?
Bartlet: With you?
Mrs. L: Yes, sir.
Bartlet: No
Mrs. L: May I ask why not, sir?
Bartlet: Because I�d rather not be in therapy for the rest of my life.

TAKE THIS SABBATH DAY

Leo: Welcome back, Mr. President.
POTUS: Leo! What're you doing here?
Leo: I needed a minute, sir. How was the flight?
C.J.: It was--
POTUS: Great!
C.J.: --gruesome. "If you'll look out the left side of the cabin, you'll see the fjords." Then we got a history of the fjords, and then we got a quiz on the fjords. do you have any idea how much I would like to dress you up in lederhosen and dropkick you into the fjords right now?
POTUS: Aww. You don't know how to have fun when we're traveling.

C.J.: So, here's my job tonight. If this thing happens. "At 12:01, he'll get the injection..."
Mandy: C.J.
C.J.: No, I'm saying, I'm reading it, right here. "The first sign of death will be his hands twitching. After sixty seconds, he'll strain against the straps, his head will have snapped back violently, and after ninety seconds he'll be in convulsions. At 12:04, he'll be pronounced dead."
Mandy: He killed two people, probably more. I'm sorry, I don't get worked up over it.
C.J.: Me neither. That's what I'm saying, me neither. Except at 12:04, 'cause that's when the warden calls me. That's my *job* tonight. I have to go in and tell the President that Simon Cruz is dead and we're the ones who killed him. So, I just wish I didn't know his mother's name was Sophia, is all I'm saying.

CELESTIAL NAVIGATION

[Toby and Sam are still in the car, driving down a dark highway.]
Toby: We're going the wrong way.
Sam: No we're not.
Toby: We're supposed to be going east.
Sam: We're going east.
Toby: How�d' you know we're going east.
Sam: The sun rises in the east.
Toby: It's dark outside!
Sam: Also, that bright star in the northern sky is Polaris.
Toby: So what.
Sam: I'm using celestial navigation.
Toby: Hey, Galileo, get off at the next exit and turn the car around.

CJ: Why�d he refuse the Breathalyzer?
Toby: Because he�s a crazy man out to ruin my life.

Sam: I�m nuts for dental hygiene.

Josh: They have telephones in Nova Scotia. It�s not Amish country.

Bartlet: Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don�t support it?

Leo: He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?
Sam: Yeah.
Leo: How's a person do that?
Sam: Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.
[They are all looking at Sam like he's crazy. Toby vocalizes it.]
Toby: Something really kinda freakish about you, ya know that?

20 HOURS IN LA

POTUS: It'll be fine.
Leo: Be that way.
POTUS: Your impersonation of my mother is getting sharper and sharper, you know that?
Leo: Thank you.

POTUS: Press in a good mood?
CJ: No, Mr. President, I wouldn't say they were.
POTUS: Why not?
CJ: Well, they're not wild about taking off at 3 0'clock in the morning, Sir.
POTUS: Oh, it's going to be great. We're going to race the sun to the pacific horizon!
CJ: I'll be sure to tell them that, Sir. I'm sure it'll pick them right up.

Charlie: Well, I've been trying to listen to some of the many lessons you've been giving me on how to be a better boyfriend and I know that attentiveness -
Zoe: No, this is one of the times when it's okay.
Charlie: Okay. It's hard to tell the difference between those times and the other times.
Zoe: I know. Doesn't that suck for you?
Charlie: A little bit, yeah.

POTUS: Those people over there don't like me too much.
Josh: Well, they just haven't taken the time to get to know you like we have, Sir

Zoe: Dad, I can't believe you did this.
POTUS: Surprised you for lunch, I know, I'm the best.
Zoe: Dad, I wanted to have lunch in Los Angeles -
POTUS: You are.
Zoe: With people, with LA people. I wanted the atmosphere. And they've cleared out the place.
POTUS: Yeah, but on the other hand, the guy made guacamole right in front of us.
Zoe: Dad!
POTUS: This is father/daughter fun time.
Zoe: I was having fun. And then you come within 100 meters of me, and my protection, like, quadruples.
POTUS: Oh, you know, I hadn't thought about that. [Looking around] Now that you mention it, yeah, I think you're right.
Zoe: What, is someone after me in California?
POTUS: All kinds of things in California, Zoe. You've got your smog, your freeway shootings, brush fires, mud slides. Plus, apparently, there's a mad rash of flag burning going on, and you don't want a piece of that.
Zoe: See, you think you're funny.
POTUS: Right there, right in front of me, they made the guacamole. Now, how about that?

Mark: Excuse me, I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Mark Miller. I'm head of new development at Paragon.
CJ: CJ Cregg.
Toby: Toby Ziegler.
Mark: Oh, it's good to meet you both. CJ, I was wondering if my money buys me a few words alone with you.
Toby: Throw in a box of chocolates and a pair of nylons get you a lot more than that.
CJ: Sure. [She and Mark start to walk off]
Toby: I'll be over at the bar, drinking a lot, if anyone wants me.
CJ: Nobody will.


THE WHITE HOUSE PRO-AM

Lilly: Your guy has a 48% approval rating and my guy�s at 61% and bite me.
Sam: Well, point well argued.

Donna: So I�ve been reading this book�
Josh: I�m on the phone.
Donna: You�re on hold
Josh: How do you know?
Donna: The light was blinking
Josh: (sigh) What book?

Josh: We�re going to do good cop/bad cop
Toby: No, we�re really not
Josh: Why not?
Toby: Because this isn�t an episode of Hawaii Five-O

Leo: Sometimes, I don�t even know what you�re talking about
Bartlet: Sometimes I�m just making it up

Bartlet: You used to go to school in overalls and a little hat
Zoey: Yes, I used to be five
Leo: what�s up zoey?
Zoey: just keeping it real
Leo: Hm?
Bartlet: who the hell knows?

Bartlet: Why aren�t you taking math?
Zoey: Because I graduated high school

Toby: You�re concerned about American labor and manufacturing?
Congressman: Yeah
Toby: What kind of car do you drive?
Congressman: Toyota
Toby: Then shut up.
Josh: What Toby is trying to say is that we don�t� get to see you guys often enough and it�s a crying shame.

Josh: This, right here, this is the reason why you have a reputation as a pain in the ass
Toby: I�ve cultivated that reputation

Congressman: Are we keeping you two from something important?
Toby: Many, many things

Danny: Well, I�d get in trouble with the First Lady
Bartlet: Welcome to the club, Danny. We had some jackets made.

Donna: Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses� were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish a woman�s sexual desire, into their drinking water.
Josh: Why would anyone want to diminish a woman�s sexual desire?

Abbey: I concede that I was wrong about the thing.
Bartlet: good
Abbey: however
Bartlet: No, no however, just be wrong. Just stand there and you�re wrong. Listen, be wrong and get used to it.

Charlie: I came to apologize
Zoey: you let me sitting in the restaurant
Charlie: I feel bad about that
Zoey: are there other things you feel bad about too?
Charlie: yes
Zoey: name them please
Charlie: I. off the top of my head I wouldn�t be able to give you a comprehensive list. Just suffice it to say that anything I�ve done to upset you, even it if only exists in your kind of confused little mind, I really apologize for.

SIX MEETINGS BEFORE LUNCH

The roll call continues. TOBY enters and immediately freezes BONNIE and GINGER--
TOBY: Put it down.
BONNIE: Toby--
TOBY: No champagne.
BONNIE: We�re just--
TOBY: Put it down. Everyone in this room, lemme have your attention, please. The law of our land mandates that Presidential appointees be confirmed by a majority of the Senate. A majority is half plus one for a total of what, Ginger?
GINGER: 51.
TOBY: 51 yea votes is what we see on the screen before a drop of wine is swallowed. Because there�s a little thing called what, Bonnie?
BONNIE: Tempting fate.
TOBY: Tempting fate is what it�s called. In the three months this man�s been on my radar screen, I have aged 48 years. This is my Day of Jubilee and I will not have it screwed up by what, Bonnie? BONNIE: By tempting fate.
TOBY: By tempting fate. These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the 15 months we�ve been in office, what kind of luck have we had, Ginger?
GINGER: Bad luck.
TOBY: What kind of luck?
GINGER: Very bad luck.

SAM: Our day of jubilee.
TOBY: Not yet.
MALLORY comes over to SAM--
MALLORY: Sam--
SAM: It�s my day of jubilee.
MALLORY: I despise you and everything you stand for.
SAM: �Kay, the day was a little bit better a few seconds ago, but that�s all right.

Mallory: don�t play dumb with me
Sam: no. honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time, I�m just playing smart.

JOSH: Leo, I�m white.
LEO: Yes.
JOSH: I�m a white guy from Connecticut.
LEO: We�ve met, Josh.
JOSH: I�m sayin� isn�t this kind of a delicate subject for me to get into with a black civil rights lawyer from Athens, Georgia?
LEO: Remember, you�re also Jewish.
JOSH: Then he�s sure to love me.
LEO: Yeah.

Josh: You didn�t want tot talk to me about banana bars, did you?
Mandy: Panda bears
Josh: Donna has stylish penmanship
MANDY: I think we should get a Panda Bear.
JOSH: You say that now, but I�m the one who�s gonna end up feeding him and walking him.

MALLORY: Wow.
SAM: What?
MALLORY: For someone who�s trying to date me, that was pretty snotty.
SAM: Hang on, these are office hours. If I�d know I was workin� on that I�d have had a whole different attitude.

MANDY: Toby.
TOBY: Mandy.
MANDY: You got two seconds?
TOBY: Madeline, you are charming and you are brilliant and for you I have all the time in the world.
MANDY: (to GINGER) What�s with him?
GINGER: It�s the day after his day of Jubilee.
BONNIE: We�ve never seen him sustain a good mood this long.
TOBY: Bonnie, you are dedicated and you are beautiful. Ginger, you�re� other nice things.
MANDY: Can I see you inside?
TOBY: You bet.

BARTLETT: You think I could take George Washington?
CHARLIE: (pause) Take him at what, sir?
BARTLETT: I don�t know� a war?
CHARLIE: Could you take George Washington in a war?
BARTLETT: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Well, you�d have the Air Force and he�d have the Minutemen, right?
BARTLETT: The Minutemen were good.
CHARLIE: Still, I think you�d probably take him.
BARTLETT: Yeah.

BARTLETT: "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered."
C.J. (beat) well� I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.

LET BARTLET BE BARTLET

C.J.: The Easter egg hunt and the Easter egg roll are two different things. The theme of this year's event is 'Learning is delightful and delicious,' as, by the way, am I.

Bartlet: Can we get this godforsaken event over with so that I can get back to presiding over a civilization gone to hell in a handcart?

Bartlet: Why aren�t they all here right now?
Charlie: They didn�t know it was raining, sir.
Bartlet: nothing like surrounding yourself with the best and the brightest, eh Charlie.

Leo: Margaret � I�m sorry. I�m going to have to � I hung on as long as I could but you long since passed the point when I stopped caring. If you�re curious it was right around the raisin muffins.

Leo: We dropped five points in a week?
Toby: Yeah
Leo: We didn�t do anything last week
Toby: I�ll say

MRS. LANDINGHAM: I'm going to lunch, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Speaking of lunch.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Yeah?
CHARLIE: The president's not too wild about his.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: What's the nature of his dissatisfaction?
CHARLIE: He said it's made almost entirely of vegetables.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: It's a salad, Charlie.
CHARLIE: The president'd prefer a sandwich. He says roast beef would be fine. Pastrami, sliced steak...
MRS. LANDINGHAM: Charlie, tell the president he will eat his salad. If he doesn't like it, he knows where to put his salad.
CHARLIE: Well, I don't think I will tell the president that, Mrs. Landingham, but I appreciate your help.
MRS. LANDINGHAM: You bet.

JOSH: Our second year doesn't seem to be going a whole lot better than our first, does it?
TOBY: No.

THE OVAL OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
BARTLET is seated in a chair, with memo in his hand. LEO comes in. CHARLIE closes the door and stays there.
BARTLETT: Who's got this?
LEO: Danny Concannon.
BARTLETT: Why am I just finding out about this now?
LEO: We spent most of the day learning about it ourselves.
BARTLETT: I really did wake up energized this morning.
LEO: I know.
BARTLETT: I never go to bed that way.
LEO: I know.
BARTLETT: Just once, in this job, I'd like to end a day feeling as good as I did when the day started.
(Pause) Are you bothered by this?
LEO: The memo?
BARTLETT: Yeah.
LEO: Yes.
BARTLETT: We've heard it all before, Leo. You drive me to political safe ground. It's not true.
LEO: I know it's not true.
BARTLETT: Good.
BARTLET heads for his desk.
LEO: You drive me there.
BARTLETT: (turns) What the hell did you say?
LEO: And you know it too.
BARTLETT: Leo?
LEO: We're stuck in neutral because that's where you tell me to stay.
BARTLETT: You're wrong.
LEO: No. I'm not, sir.
BARTLETT: You want to do this now?
LEO: Sir?
BARTLETT: You came to my house, Leo.
LEO: Mr. President?
BARTLETT: You came to my house, and you said, 'Jed, let's run for president.' I said, 'Why?' And you said, 'So that you can open your mouth and say what you think!' Where'd that part go, Leo?
LEO: You tell me, Mr. President. I don't see a shortage of cameras or microphones around here. What the hell were you waiting for?
BARTLETT: Look...
LEO: Everything you do...
BARTLETT: This morning--
LEO: Everything you do says: 'For God's sakes, Leo. I don't want to be a one-term president.'
BARTLETT: Did I not say put our guys on the F.E.C.?
LEO: No sir. You did not do that.
BARTLETT: Leo!
LEO: No! You said, let's dangle our feet in the water of whatever the hell it is we dangle our feet in, when we want to make it look like we're trying without pissing too many people off!
BARTLETT: You're writing a fascinating version of history, my friend.
LEO: Oh, take a look at Mandy's memo, Mr. President, and you'll read a fascinating version of it.
BARTLETT: You brought me in on teachers. You brought me in on capital gains. You brought me in on China. And you brought me in on guns.
LEO: Brought you in from where? You've never been out there on guns. You've never been out there on teachers. You dangle your feet, and I'm the hall monitor around here. It's my job to make sure nobody runs too fast or goes off too far. I tell Josh to go to the Hill on campaign finance, he knows nothing's gonna come out of it.
BARTLETT: That's crap.
LEO: Sam can't get real on Don't Ask, Don't Tell because you're not gonna be there, and every guy sitting across the room from him knows that.
BARTLETT: Leo, if I ever told you to get aggressive about campaign finance or gays in the military, you would tell me, 'Don't run too fast or go to far.'
LEO: If you ever told me to get aggressive about anything, I'd say I serve at the pleasure of the president. (Pause) But we'll never know, sir, because I don't think you're ever gonna say it.
BARTLETT: I have said it, and nothing's every happened!
LEO: You want to see me orchestrate this right now? You want to see me mobilize these people? These people who would walk into fire if you told them to. These people who showed up to lead. These people who showed up to fight. (Points at Charlie) That guy gets death threats because he's black and he dates your daughter. He was warned: 'do not show up to this place. You're life will be in danger.' He said, 'To hell with that, I'm going anyway.' You said, 'No.' Prudent, or not prudent, this 21, -year-old for 600 dollars a week says, 'I'm going where I want to because a man stands up.' (Pause) Everyone's waiting for you. I don't know how much longer.
BARTLETT: I don't want to feel like this anymore.
LEO: You don't have to.
BARTLETT: I don't want to go to sleep like this.
LEO: You don't have to.
BARTLETT: I want to speak.
LEO: Say it out loud. Say it to me.
BARTLETT: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
LEO: Say it again.
BARTLETT: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
LEO: Now we're in business!
LEO goes to the table and picks up a pen and writes on a pad.
BARTLETT: What's happening?
LEO: We got our asses kicked in the first quarter, and its time we move up the mat.
BARTLETT: Yes!
LEO: Say it.
BARTLETT: This is more important than reelection. I want to speak now.
LEO: (while writing) I'm gonna talk to the staff. I'm gonna take them off the leash.
BARTLETT: You have a strategy for all this?
LEO: I have the beginnings of one.
BARTLETT: What is it?
LEO: I'm gonna try that out for a little while.
LEO puts the pad on the desk in front of the president. It reads, 'LET BARTLET BE BARTLET.' The president looks at it and back to LEO as his chief of staff goes back Into--
INT. LEO'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
The staff is still inside. LEO takes off his jacket and leans on his desk.
LEO: Listen up. Our ground game isn't working. If we want to walk into walls, I'd want us running into them full speed.
JOSH: What do you mean?
LEO: Well, you can start by telling the Hill the president has named his nominees for the F.E.C.
JOSH looks surprised.
LEO: And we're gonna lose some of these battles, and we might even lose the White House, but we're not gonna be threatened by issues. We're gonna put them front and center. We're gonna raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. (Turns to Josh) That sound all right to you, Josh?
JOSH: I serve at the pleasure of the president of the United States.
LEO (to C.J.) Yeah?
C.J. I serve at the pleasure of the president.
LEO turns to SAM.
SAM: I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.
LEO: Toby?
TOBY: I serve at the pleasure of the president.
Everyone turns their frowns into big smiles.
LEO: Good.
LEO turns to his desk and gets a clipboard. He turns back to his staff.
LEO: Then let's get in the game!
TOBY, SAM, JOSH and C.J. exit. LEO walks to a table to get a pen. He looks at the open door to the Oval Office. He sees PRESIDENT BARTLET, who has been standing there watching. BARTLET nods at him. LEO smiles back. BARTLET walks back to his desk.

MADATORY MINIMUS

Toby : Any time you want to use punctuation that�d be fine.

Sam: You're not calm, Leo. You're acting like a nervous hoolelia.
Toby: A what?
Sam: May not be a word. May just be something my mother used to say.

Josh: Hi, Senator. Why don�t� you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?

Josh: This is my regular Tuesday suit.
Margaret: You assign your clothes days of the week?

Onorato: "Take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass?"
Sam: That sounds exactly like Josh, to me.
Onorato: My boss is ready to set the building on fire.
Sam: Then your boss will be arrested, as I'm quite sure that's against the law.

LIES, DAMN LIES AND STATISTICS

Toby: Since when are you an expert on language?
C.J.: In polling models?
Toby: Okay.
C.J.: 1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?
Toby: Since long before that.

Sam: You know what's fun?
Bonnie: What?
Sam: The Potomac in the morning.
Ginger: Yeah?
Sam: Jogging around the Potomac or sculling.
Ginger: Were you jogging this morning? < Hands Sam a cup of coffee >
Sam: No.
Bonnie: Were you sculling?
Sam: No. I was sitting on a bench having a bagel, but from where I was, both jogging and sculling looked good to me.

POTUS: What do you got?
Toby: The Federated States of Micronesia.
Sam: Toby says it's a country.
POTUS < sits down w/ a cup of tea >: It is a country. You know where?
Toby: I assume it's a small island in the South Pacific.
POTUS: It's actually 607 small islands in the South Pacific. Interestingly, while its total landmass is only 270 square miles, it occupies more than a million square miles of the Pacific Ocean. Population is 127,000 and the U.S. Embassy is located in the state of Pohnpei and not, as many people believe, on the island of Yap.
Toby: Why would a person have that information at their disposal?
POTUS: Parties.
Toby: Uh...sir.
POTUS: I looked at the Federated States of Micronesia. I can't fire our ambassador.
Toby: Why not?
POTUS: Somebody's going to ask me why I fired him and I'm not gonna be able to come up with the answer they're looking for.
Toby: Well, Sam's got you covered.
POTUS: How?
Sam: You're not going to fire the ambassador. You're going to promote him.
POTUS: To what?
Sam: Ambassador to Paraguay.
POTUS: And what happens to the ambassador of Paraguay.
Sam: You make him ambassador to Bulgaria.
POTUS: Hey, I like this. Of course, if everybody keeps moving up one, then I get to go home.

Donna: You wanted me to let you know when C.J. started talking about the drug memo.
Josh: The briefing is not supposed to start 'til eleven.
Donna: Guess what?
Josh: My watch sucks?
Donna: Yes, indeed.

C.J.: Did Josh mention he's in charge of morale?
Josh: Yes, I am. And as such, I'm going out to get coffee for everyone cause a few hundred volts of caffeine is just what the doctor ordered around here. < To Joey > And you should've been more impressed that I was able to quote Theodore Roosevelt.
Joey : I was impressed that you knew what 'polyglot' meant.
Josh: 760 SAT word, baby.

Cochran: Have we met?
Charlie: Sir?
Cochran: You look very familiar. Have we met?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: Where?
Charlie: I was a waiter at the Gramercy club.
Cochran: Charlie?
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: Charlie!
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: It's good to see you again. < Goes to shake Charlie's hand >
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: Under strange circumstances, which when the President comes back, I'll explain....
Charlie: Yes, sir.
Cochran: I resigned my membership in that club, by the way.
Charlie: Did you?
Cochran: Oh yeah. I find exclusive clubs to be repugnant.
Charlie: I couldn't help but noti
ce that didn't stop you from joining up in the first place.
Cochran: Now, that's out of line. That's out of line and that shouldn't have been said. And you forgotten that you're addressing an U.S. Ambassador.
Charlie: I apologize, sir.
Cochran: I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor.
Charlie < looking perplexed >: Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove you out of. But, I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.

C.J.: Good evening, Mr. President. The full polling book is 400 pages long and it's still being put together. I have the top sheet results.
Leo: What's it say?
C.J.: I was wrong. We went up nine points.
< C.J. smiles >
< Leo smiles and starts to laugh, but catches himself >
< Smiles all around >
POTUS: Okay, what's next?

WHAT KIND OF DAY HAS IT BEEN

POTUS If that�s what�s on, then that�s what they watch. It�s either that, or a cricket match between Scotland and Bermuda. Now, I am an educated man, Charlie, but when someone tries to explain cricket to me, all I want to do is hit him in the head with a teapot.

POTUS: Bill, if it ends up that Fitzwallace has to call this kid�s parents, I swear to God I�m invading Baghdad. [To Fitz] Get him back.
Fitzwallace: Yes, sir.

POTUS: You know what�s hard about all this, CJ?
CJ: Sir?
POTUS: I�m rehearsing here without the pitcher and glass, it�s totally weird for me.
CJ: Yeah.
Mandy: How do you feel about him taking off his jacket?
Sam: No.
Mandy: I like it.
Sam: It�ll look staged.
Mandy: Not if he does it at the right moment.
Sam: What�s he going to do, throw it over his shoulder?
Mandy: Maybe.
Sam: I�m also not wild about the hand-held mike. Can we get him wired?
POTUS: No, because with the mike and the stool, and the jacket thrown over my shoulder, and I can do the town hall meeting, and then do a couple of sets at the Copa.
[Zoe knocks n the door, and then enters with Charlie]
Zoe: Hey.
POTUS: My musical director, Zoe Bartlet.
Zoe: Are you working?
POTUS: We�re down to do I or do I not take my jacket off. [POTUS goes out into hallway to talk to Zoe]
Zoe: Do you want to know what I think?
POTUS: I honestly couldn�t care less. Listen, I want you to come with us tonight.
Zoe: Dad, I was . . .are you sweating?
POTUS: I�m fine.
Zoe: Are you sure?
POTUS: Yeah.
Zoe: Did you take your pills?
POTUS: Zoe!
Zoe: Fine, then, go ahead and collapse.
POTUS: Are you channeling Mom, now?
Zoe: Dad . . .
POTUS: Come to Virginia tonight.
Zoe: I can watch on TV.
POTUS: It�s not like being there in person.
Zoe: You�re going to talk about me, and the camera�s going to go on me, and my face is going to turn red, and it�s just going to be awful for me.
POTUS: Bonus. Then it�s settled.
Zoe: Listen, Charlie wanted to say something during prep.
POTUS: Okay.
Zoe: I�m going to go see Mom.
POTUS: And you�re coming tonight.
Zoe: Yeah.
POTUS: Thanks.

Toby: It�s a stealth fighter; it should have stealth capabilities, right?
Josh: Sure
Toby: �Cause if it doesn�t, we should really call it something else.

Charlie: Zoey, I work in the White House with some of the smartest people in the world
(Josh goes to sit in his chair and falls on the floor)

CJ: I have to congratulate you, Carol. I was afraid I was going to see Saudi Arabia spelled with a �y�.
Carol: CJ, I�m a much better speller than you give me credit for.
CJ: Yes. One "l" in Tel Aviv.
Carol: Okay.

Danny: CJ, I�m not staying in the penalty box forever. I�ve covered the White House for eight years, and I�ve done it for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Time Magazine, and the Dallas Morning News! And I�m telling you; you can�t mess me around like this.
CJ: Danny, I got to tell you, that was, seriously, that was a turn-on when you said that, though I don�t know why you decided to be the most haughty on the Dallas Morning News.

Mrs. L: You needed to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
POTUS: Do you see me walking out the door?
Mrs. L: No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.


Enough West Wing Quotes for now. More tomorrow?



Last Five Entries

Peter Jennings - 2005-08-08
- - 2005-08-08
night i'd not like to repeat - 2005-06-20
- - 2005-06-19
so i'll update - 2005-06-07


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